Is Benevolent Sexism good?

 Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

 I just learned a new term - Benevolent Sexism - and now I'm reflecting on my personal experiences with it.

In case you're new to the term like me, benevolent sexism is when women are regarded positively as long as they meet traditional female roles and negatively if they don't. It can seem like subtle behavior, or that it's coming from a place of respect, but it is still hurtful and condescending.

Attitudes that belong to Benevolent Sexism :

• Woman are beautiful, innocent and fragile creatures who need protection
• Men are smarter than women, but women are better at caring
• Women should stay home with the children.
• The man of the house knows best
• Men are rational and logical, women are emotional and illogical

source

I've experienced benevolent sexism in ways that have been hurtful, frustrating, insulting and flabbergasting. I'd forgotten most of them until recently. These experiences haven't stopped me from moving forward, but they are worth my time to recognize and reflect on. 

Here are a few ways that I’ve experienced Benevolent Sexism:

• Elementary school boys who treated me like I wasn't smart like them because I was a girl. Some also thought it was a complement to pinch my booty. (For a shy child, this hurt my self-esteem and confidence at school).

• Hight school boys my age who were surprised and congratulatory when I could actually kick a ball or hold my own in PE or at other activities, because I was a girl. (At the time, I liked this attention).

• Co-eds in my major during college, who reflected the attitude that men were more serious students because they would have actual careers while the female students would just be mothers. (This made me angry and motivated me to work harder to show them up. There were certain guys I was relieved to never have a class with again for their condescending treatment.. Note : I planned on taking a break from my career after having children. I also planned to work from home and I tried that for a couple years, but it just didn't work for me). 

• Also in college - A male employer listening to male employee suggestions but then acting surprised with the female employees spoke up with ideas as well. (This made me less confident in speaking up at work)

• The Landlord who wouldn't listen to my suggestion, but agreed with them when my husband said them. The same landlord also used his height and deep voice to try and intimidate me and other former female renters. (This was infuriating and triggered my anxiety whenever he stopped by the house when I was alone. I felt belittled and "less than" so I hid in the house when he came to mow the lawn, stopped returning his phone calls and made Scott deal with him. I also made sure my boys were aware of it so they never treat someone how I was treated).

• Strangers on my commuter train, telling me that I needed to dress and act a certain way because I was a young woman traveling in the city and at risk for being mugged/raped/taken advantage of, etc… (I felt naive and dumb whenever this happened. Surely they must be right, since they are older? Nope.)
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• A male boss, surprised that I would ask for a raise, but who wasn’t surprised when my male counterpart also asked for a raise. My boss’s boss (a female) was also in the room and was a 100 percent supportive of my request and upped my salary on the spot. (I was thrilled that the VP took me seriously and never felt quite as comfortable around my direct superior after that, even though he was a very kind person).

These are the experiences that come to mind now. The more painful part is thinking about if I have contributed to benevolent sexism in others' lives...